Alcohol
A man walks into a bar and orders a shot of whiskey then looks into his pocket.
He does this over and over again.
Finally, the bartender asks why he orders a shot of whiskey and afterwards look into his pocket.
The man responded, "I have a picture of my wife in there and when she starts to look good then i'll go home."
A man was walking through a rather seedy section of town, when a bum walked up to him and asked the man for two dollars.
The man asked, "Will you buy booze?" The bum replied, "No."
Then the man asked, "Will you gamble it away?" The bum said, "No."
Then the man asked the bum, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"
One day at the end of class little Billy's teacher has the class go home and think of a story and then conclude the moral of that story...
The next day Billy tells his story...
"My dad fought in the Vietnam war, his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more, but the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands"
Teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story.... Billy replies, "Yeah... don't mess with my dad when he's been drinking"
A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's key in the door.
"Stay where you are," she said. "He's so drunk he won't even notice you're in bed with me."
Sure enough, the husband lurched into bed none the wiser, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.
He turned to his wife: "Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What's going on?" "Nonsense," said the wife.
"You're so drunk you miscounted. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there."
The husband climbed out of bed and counted. "One, two, three, four. You're right, you know."
The drunken wino was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter.
A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, sir. You're obviously drunk"
The wasted wino asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?" "Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."
Obviously relieved, the wino said "That's a relief - I thought I was a cripple."
A father was trying to teach his young son the evils of alcohol.
He put one worm in a glass of water and another worm in a glass of whiskey.
The worm in the water lived, while the one in whiskey curled up and died.
"All right, son." asked the father, "what does that show you?"
"Well, Dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol, you will not have worms."
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying.
The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away." "I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
At about 3 AM, John reached home heavily drunk. As he entered into the bedroom, the clock cuckooed three times, so to make her wife think that he came on 12 at midnight he cuckooed 9 more times himself.
Next day when his wife asked, "What time you got home" he replied, "Midnight"
She said "Ok fine but we need a new cuckoo clock". He asked "But why?"
She answered, "Last night when you came at midnight, it first cuckooed three times, took a pause and said 'Oh Shit !', then it cuckooed five more times and farted, then cuckooed two times and cleared its throat, cuckooed three more times and then started giggling."
Who ever said alcohol makes you fat was wrong.
It actually makes you lean…
On poles, bar tables and unknown people.