Friends
Sammy Standing on the scale, holding his stomach in.
John: I don’t think that is going to help.
Sammy: Sure it does. How else could I see the numbers?
Jane: You know husband and wife are not allowed in heaven?
John: Yes I do, that’s why it’s called heaven.
My friend said he knew a man with a wooden leg named Smith.
So I asked him “What was the name of his other leg?
Jack: What are you doing?
Jenny: Recording my baby’s voice.
Jack: Why?
Jenny: I’ll ask him what he meant by this when he grows up.
James: Did he have a great weakness for ladies?
George: No, a great strength.
Sammy: Those girls look alike. Are they twins?
John: No. they just went to the same plastic surgeon.
George: Tell me something about your mother-in-law.
John: She is so miserly that she keeps a fork in the sugar pot.
Joe: Why is reading a Playboy magazine like watching National Geographic channel?
Sam: You’ll get to see great places, which you’ll never get to visit.
Sam: What’s Obama’s administration about to do on the issue of Wikileaks?
Peter: I don’t know. I’ll read about it on Wikileaks!
Sam: I am such a miser that I went alone for my honeymoon and saved half the money.
Ron: That’s nothing, I saved full money. I sent my wife for honeymoon with a friend.
Pat: Even my wife is annoying just like yours.
Matt: All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.
Neighbor: You are so good at it. I hear your wife scream at least thrice every day. Give me some tips.
Joe: Just wipe your hands on the curtains.
John: Why did you kick him in the stomach?
Jill: It’s his fault. He turned around.
Bob: I had a nightmare last night. I was with 12 beautiful chorus girls, dancing in a row.
Doc: That doesn’t sound bad.
Bob: I was the third girl from the end.
John: Why have you started wearing an earring?
Mark: It’s been a trend for some time now.
John: It isn’t great.
Mark: But I have to wear it since my wife found it in our bedroom.
Sam: Why do you work seven days per week?
Sunny: So that they don’t have to retrain me on Monday.
John: My wife doesn’t know what she wants.
James: You’re lucky. My wife does.
Chintu: My dad’s career is in the ruins.
Mintu: Oh, that’s sad.
Chintu: No, he is an Archeologist!
Derek: Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?
Ryan: Yes, I am. I married the wrong woman.
Raju: I haven’t spoken to my wife in years.
Ramesh: Why?
Raju: I didn’t want to interrupt her.
Roommate: How was your blind date?
Friend: Terrible! He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce and he was the original owner.
Friend 1: Results came, come we’ll go to see.
Friend 2: I’m with my dad. You see mine also and message me.
If one subject is gone say “Good morning to you”
If two subjects gone then say “Good morning to your family”
Friend 1: Replies “Good morning to the whole world”.
Joana: What’s a man’s idea of a balanced diet?
Susie: Beer in each hand.
Raj: Do you want to hear a dirty joke?
Ram: OK.
Raj: A white horse fell in the mud.
Man: I’m worried because I’m going to be a father.
Friend: Why are you worried?
Man: My wife doesn’t know about it.
Chintu stood below a tube light with mouth wide open.
Chotu: Why are you standing like this?
Chintu: Because doctor advised today’s dinner should be light.
John: When I woke up, felt like going out and getting a job.
Jim: Did you?
John: No I waited till the feeling passed.
Man: Yesterday I had a fight with my wife. She came to me on her hands and knees.
Friend: What happened then?
Man: She shouted, ‘come out from under the bed and fight like a man’.
Raju: How do I say I’ve failed again?
Ramu: Send a telegram- Result out, last years marks repeated.
Anne: Why did you dump your boyfriend?
Mary: I asked him what he thought and he was completely speechless.
Man: My wife is on a new diet – coconuts and bananas.
Friend: Has she lost weight?
Man: No, but she can climb a tree!
Two friends, who hadn’t seen each other in several years, met on the street.
First: Who are you working for now?
Second: Same people, my wife and four children.
Julia: Had you been my husband, I would have poisoned your drink.
James: Had you been my wife, I would have drunk it.
John: What’s that one thing in which supply always exceeds demand?
Peter: Trouble.
Ram: I left paper blank.
Sam: Oye, me too! Teacher will think we copied.
Jack: I kiss my wife every day before I leave for my office. What about you?
Joe: Me too after you leave.
Bob: Knock! Knock!
Ryan: Who is there?
Bob: Boo.
Ryan: Boo who?
Bob: There’s no need to cry, it’s only a joke.