General
Librarian: The library opens at 9 am.
Man: Not until 9 am.
Librarian: No. Why do you want to get in before 9 am?
Man: Not get in but get out.
A man enters a bar, and the waiter comes and asks him, “What do you want to drink, sir?”
The customer points out to a guy lying on the floor and replies, “Whatever that guy was drinking.”
Agent: Would you want to buy an insurance policy?
Man: No, my wife and I took out several life insurance policies on each other, Now, it’s just a waiting game.
Aunty: Tell me shonu, how do you like school?
Shonu: Closed
Jean: Why do you want to be an architect all of a sudden?
Juan: Because I’m told they do it with models.
Pappu stands in an airplane and shouts “HIJACK” everyone starts crying.
Then Jack stands and reply “Hi Pappu”.
Eve: Adam darling, do you love me?
Adam: No, I don’t.
Eve (Crying): Then, why did you marry me?
Adam: Oh hello? You are talking as if I had a choice.
Boy to gym coach: I want to impress this cute girl who I will meet in three days so which machine should I use?
Coach: Use the ATM machine.
Conductor: That’s the ugliest kid I ever saw.
Crying mother to the passenger: The conductor insulted me.
Passenger: Go deal with him, I’ll hold your monkey till then.
Museum guard: It’s a 500-year old statue that you just broke.
Boy: Thank god! I thought it was a new one.
John: That’s a lovely bulldog.
Jim: It isn’t a bulldog - it chased a cat and ran into a wall.
Jenny’s father: Do you drink?
John (Jenny’s boyfriend): Is this a question or an invitation?
A cynic (at an art gallery): Do you call this horrible looking thing modern art?
Art dealer: I beg your pardon sir, that’s a mirror.
Reagan, Nixon and Clinton are on the Titanic
Reagan: Women and children first.
Nixon: Fuck the women
Clinton: Do we have time?
A lady: Help, I can’t swim!
Passerby: I can’t play piano, but I don’t shout about it!
Three reasons why it’s good to be a man:
1) Your ass is never a job interview factor.
2) One mood, all the time
3) If you are 34, single, nobody notices.
Devdas matrimonial ad:
Wanted wife.
Age: No BAR!
Heights: No BAR!
Looks: No BAR!
Caste: No BAR! But
Girls’ father should have his own BAR.
Sham aate hi Deepak chal utha kyonki
Sham ke saath Deepak ki girlfriend thi.
Lalu Prasad ki Car k neche ek kutta mar gaya,
Lalu: Iss k malik ka pata karo.
Jab driver wapis aaya toh uske galey mein bahut se haar thhey,
Lalu: Ye kya hai?
Driver: Sir logon ne meri puri baat nahi suni aur khushi se haar daal diya,
Maine sirf yahi kaha
"Main Lalu ka driver hun..
Kutta Mar gaya hai"
Height of teasing:
I was sitting near the window and singing, "Kabutar ja ja ja"
Then my mom asked me "Kya hua beta SMS pack khatam ho gaya kya?"
A man found a lamp in market. He rubbed it from all sides. Lamp explodes and he dies!
Moral: "Kuch Cheezen Alladin ki nahi, mujahidden ki ho sakti hain"
Height of fashion:
One year old baby telling his mom: Mom pamper zara neechay bandho, low waist cool dikta hai!!!
Bhikari: Ek rupiah do.
Amar: Kal ana.
Bhikari: Is kal-kal me mere lakhon fase hue he.
99 saal ka aadmi swarg ki ronak dehk bola,
‘Yoga k chakkar me na pada hota to 30 saal pehle aa gaya hota’.
Ek admi ke che ungli the, use log Jitendar bulate the. Kyu?
Kyu uska naam Jitendar tha!
Matrimonial Ad: Patni chahiye.
Man gets 1000’s of reply: Meri le ja!
Shakeela fan: Madam I saw a still of yours in internet covered fully and wearing saree.
Shakeela: No please don’t believe that its computer graphics.
Insurance Clerk: Where were you born, Sir?
Man: In the United States.
Insurance Clerk: OK, and which part?
Man: My entire body.
Two ants see an elephant first: Let’s kill him.
Second: Let him go he is alone.
Great students like us are always like rockets!
It’s not that we always aim at the sky
But we never start our work until our tail is set on fire.
Month end story:
A thief broke into my room. He started searching for money and I woke up and
Started searching with him. :P
If you say there are two million stars in universe people believe you.
But if you tell them the paint on the wall is still wet they always touch it to make sure!
Crazy world!
LKG girl to LKG boy: Your slate is nice
LKG boy: Don’t talk nonsense, this is Samsung tab.
Musharaf: Very sorry to hear about the bomb blast at white house at nine this morning.
Obama: Nothing happened here.
Musharaf: What’s the time?
Obama: 8 AM.
Musharaf: Sorry, I will call you after one hour.
Great Confusion:
Laziness is your biggest enemy - Jawaharlal Nehru,
Always love your enemy - Mahatma Gandhi.
Whom to follow?
Sam kissed girlfriend
Girlfriend: Please, not before marriage.
Sam: Don’t worry, I am married.
Frog to astrologer
Frog: Please tell my future.
Astrologer: You will meet a young girl soon.
Frog: Where?
Astrologer: In biology lab.
On our first wedding anniversary my aunt gave us color TV as a present.
She said, ‘The color TV is for your husband, this remote control is for you’.
A miser (at the time of his death): Wife, where are you?
Wife: I’m here
Miser: Kids where are you?
Kids: We are here.
Miser: So why haven’t you switched off the fan of the other room?
My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other.
So now it’s just waiting game.
An intelligent wife is one who makes sure she spends so much that her husband can't afford another women.
Three crore IDEA sim cards sold in just 3 days, due to one simple printing mistake of an alphabet in their slogan:
"AN IDEA CAN CHANGE YOUR WIFE".
Most people think that we go to bed to take rest or sleep.
but in actual sense, we go to bed because the bed will not come to us!
No claps please.
Two Hollywood stars met at a party.
‘Darling!’ exclaimed the first, your husband looks wonderful tonight, I’ve never seen his so fit and well, perhaps it’s the new suit?
‘No it’s not the suit, it’s a new wife.
If you think nobody’s thinking of you,
Try missing a couple of payments.
The rain makes all things beautiful.
The grass and flowers too.
If rain makes all things beautiful why doesn’t it rain on you?
Cow 1: Are you worried about ‘mad cow’ disease?
Cow 2: No! But, I am actually a horse.
Every second, every minute and hour, a heart beats for you
It’s your heart only.
Man shouts: BOMBAY.
Air hostess: Be silent.
Man: OK Ombay Ombay.
Advertisement for petrol 2050:
Buy 10 liters of petrol and get a NANO free!
Army officer: What were you in civilian life?
Subordinate: Happy, sir!
A man was sitting on a mountain and studying.
When another man asked him what he was doing, he replied, “Higher studies”.
Man one: Among my 4 sons 3 are engineers.
Man two: 4th one?
Man one: Useless fellow didn’t study but became a barber.
Man two: Why didn’t you throw him out?
Man one: Can’t, because only he earns.
My wife always gives sound advice,
99% sound, 1% advice.
Man discovered agriculture, invented food.
Woman discovered food invented diet.
FLASH NEWS:
Tomorrow IDEA to IDEA, BSNL to BSNL FREE!
Missed calls only.
Thought for the day:
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, while dish washing liquid is made with real lemons?
Hillary Clinton is on her first world tour as the US secretary of state.
She’s currently on tour in Asia.
Bill’s currently in heaven.
Despite the old saying ‘Don’t take your troubles and worries to bed’,
Most men still sleep with their wives.
I say no to alcohol, it just doesn’t listen.
Cat: How old are you?
Elephant: 5 years.
Cat: 5 years, but you look so big!
Elephant: I'm a Complain boy. How old are you?
Cat: I'm 30 years old.
Elephant: 30! But you look so small.
Cat: I'm a Santoor girl.
The average wife would rather have beauty than brains because,
She knows that the average husband can see better than he can think.
Don’t expect change a man unless he’s in diapers.
The reason it is so difficult for a politician to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth is because it’s usually three different stories.
A man tried to guess the profession of his date by her bedroom performance.
Man: I think she is a school teacher, because she said, ‘Do it over and over until you get it right’.
Two women were bragging about their kids.
First: My son’s a doctor, makes &250,000 a year
Second: Mine’s not educated, but makes millions. He’s a sports repairman. He fixes games… hokey games, football games, cricket games.
Boyfriend to his girlfriend during their breakup time:
When we were together, you always said you’d die for me.
Now that we’ve broken up, it’s time you kept your promise.
The united states has developed a new weapon that destroys people but leaves buildings.
It’s called the stock market.