Husband Wife
Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Darling: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Darling: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"
Wife reads a book and tells her husband: A bull fucks 300 times in a year you don’t do half of that.
Husband: Read the book again the bull doesn’t fuck the same cow.
A woman was kidnapped.
The kidnapper sent a piece of her finger to her husband and demanded money.
Husband replied: I want more proof.
Husband (on phone): Here the weather is extremely bad, there?
Wife: No, it only rained twice last week’ the first time for three days and the second for four.
Wife: You know our son got his brain from me.
Husband: I think he did because I’ve still got mine.
Wife: You know somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
Husband: What was the compliment?
Wife: They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine’. It was nice.
An airline introduced a special package for business men. Buy your ticket get your wife's ticket free. After great success, the company sent letters to all the wives asking how was the trip.
All of them gave a same reply
"Which trip?"
Husband was seriously ill. Doc to wife: Give him healthy breakfast, be
pleasant & in gud mood, don’t discuss ur problems, no tv serial, don’t
demand new clothes & gold jewels,
Do this for 1 yr & he will be ok.
On the way home.. Husband: what did the doc say ?
Wife:- .No chance for u to survive
An airline introduced a half rate fare for wives who went with their husbands on business trips and sent letters to wives about that trip.
They’re getting letters getting asking
‘What trip?’
Lisa: Your lovemaking is just like breaking news.
John: Why?
Lisa: Because it’s brief, unexpected and usually disaster.
John: What will you give a man has everything?
Lydia: Encouragement.
John: Where do you wanna go for our anniversary?
Jill: Somewhere I’ve never been.
John: Then it’s the kitchen.
Wife: Come early we’re going to have mom for dinner.
Husband: Ok. Cook her well.
Husband: What should I say if he asks me, ‘Am I your first?’
Wife: You might be, you look familiar.
Wife (standing in front of mirror): I’m fat, old, wrinkled and no longer pretty. Will you still give me a romantic compliment?
Husband: Your eye-sight is still excellent.
Husband: Darling, what’s the fastest way to a man’s heart?
Wife: Through his chest with a sharp knife.
A husband, who was reluctant to let his wife drive his new car, gave her a warning: “Remember, if you meet with an accident, the newspaper will print your age.”
The wife returned the keys.
Raju buys a car on loan.
Being unable to repay the debt, the recovery department takes back his car after a few months.
Seeing the sad face to Raju, his neighbor tries to console him.
Raju sighs, “I wish I had taken a loan for my marriage as well”.
Husband: I married so that I could get breakfast in bed.
Wife: For that we will have to shift your bed to the kitchen.
A man comes to home half drunk.
Wife: What’s the big idea coming home half drunk?
Husband: I’m sorry honey. I ran out of money.
A couple is lying in bed.
Husband: I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.
Wife: I’ll miss you.
George: When I am gone, you will never find another man like me.
Liz: What makes you think I would want another man like you?
Husband: Tell me something that’ll make me happy and sad at the same time.
Wife: You’re better in bed than your brother.
Wife: How many women were you with before me?
Husband: I don’t want to upset you, let’s leave it.
Wife: No, tell me.
Husband: OK, one…
Wife: That’s not bad.
Husband: Two, three, four, five, six, you, eight, nine…
Husband returns home with alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar.
Wife: I hope there’s a very good reason for you to come waltzing in at 6 am
Husband: Yes, breakfast.
Husband: What have you been doing with the grocery money I gave you?
Wife: Turn sideways and look in the mirror, you fatso.
Lydia: You used to bite my ears before we made love.
(Hubby walks towards the door)
Lydia: Where are you going?
Joe: To get my teeth.
A lady puts up a note on the wall in the ladies room: ‘My husband follows me everywhere’.
Her husband writes underneath – ‘I do not’.
A husband throws darts at his wife’s photo and not a single one hits the target.
From another room the wife called out, “Honey, what are you doing?”
The husband says “Missing you”.
A man was watching a movie at home and suddenly shouts: nooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!! Don't get off the horse! It's a trap!
Wife: What are you watching?
Man: Our wedding DVD darling.
Wife: Look at that drunk guy.
Husband: Who is he?
Wife: 10 years back he proposed me and I rejected him.
Husband: Oh My God! He's still celebrating.
Wife: Itna chupke chupke phone par kis se baat kar rahe ho?
Husband: Behen se.
Wife: Phir chupke baat karne ki kya zarurta hai?
Husband: Behen tumari hai!
Husband: Want a quickie?
Wife: As opposed to what?
Husband: You know, wife, our son got his brain from me.
Wife: I think he did, I've still got mine with me!
Husband: This coffee isn’t fit for a pig.
Wife: No problem, I’ll get you some that is.
Wife: Can you explain how this lipstick got on your collar?
Husband: No, I can’t, I distinctly remember taking my shirt off!
Wife: don’t think a little common sense can prevent divorces?
Husband: I’m sure it can keep people from getting married in the first place.
Wife: I will die.
Husband: I will also die.
Wife: Why will you die?
Husband: For I can’t bear such excitement.
Wife: What will I get for cooking for you food for a month?
Husband: My entire insurance amount!
Husband: Marry Sammy after I die.
Wife: But he is your enemy.
Husband: That’s why. I want him the same torture.
Wife: You had said I’ve a figure like coke bottle.
Husband: You still have.
Just that earlier it was 300 ml, now its 2 liters.
Husband texts to wife on cell..
"Hi, what r u doing Darling?"
Wife: I'm dying..!
Husband jumps with joy but types "Sweet Heart, how can I live without U?"
Wife: "U idiot! I'm dying my hair.."
Husband: "Bloody English Language!"
An angry wife to her husband on phone:
"Where the hell are you?"
Husband: Darling you remember that jewellery shop where you saw the diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it and I didn't have money that time and I said "Baby it'll be yours one Day"
Wife, with a smile and blushing: Yeah I Remember that my love!
Husband: I'm in the Pub just next to that shop.
Three weeks ago, my wife learned how to drive.
Last week, she learned how to aim it.
Husband to his friend:
I’ve been in love with the same woman for many years. If my wife ever finds out, she’ll kill me.
OLD is when…
Your sweetie says, ‘Let’s go upstairs and make love,’ and you answer, ‘Honey, I can’t do both’
A couple had a fight one night…
Husband: Good night, mother of my three kids.
Wife Good night, father of none.
Husband to his friend about his wife:
Every wife is a ‘mistress’ to her husband.
One hour of ‘miss’ and 23 hours of ‘stress’ everyday.
Husband: Our son’s friend Ram scored 99/100.
Wife: Oh where did the one mark go?
Husband: It came to our son.
Hubby comes home and is greeted by his wife dressed in a sexy dress.
Wife: Tie me up, and you can do anything you want. So he ties her up and goes to play golf.
Wife: Who was she?
Husband: Please don’t bother me, I’m already tensed as she will ask me the same question.
Husband and wife were in the midst of a violent quarrel.
Husband: Be careful. You’ll bring out the beast in me.
Wife: Who’s afraid of a mouse?
Newly wed: Do you want dinner?
Spouse: Sure, what are my choices?
Newly wed: Yes and No.
Husband: I want a divorce. My wife hasn’t spoken to me in six months.
Lawyer: Think about it once again. Wives like that are hard to get.
Man: My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous.
Friend: Why do you say that?
Man: That other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
In a bar, a man attended the call of ringing mobile and spoke:
Husband: Hello tell honey.
Wife: Darling now I am shopping, shall I get one lac Rs jewels?
Man: Sure honey get it.
Wife: One silk saree worth 20,000 Rs dear, shall I?
Man: One saree not enough honey, take one more.
Wife: OK dear, your credit card with me, shall I use now?
Man: Sure with pleasure.
All friends ask him after he put down his, you love your wife this much?
But, man asked, Excuse me whose mobile is this?
Husband to wife (after consulting a marriage counselor): Darling, I love you.
Wife: There you go again! Always.
Wife: The house is a mess, I haven’t shopped, the dishes are dirty and I don’t feel like cooking. Why did you invite your friend?
Husband: Because he wants to get married.
Wife: Darling! Today is our anniversary, what should we do?
Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.
Husband: One day you will lose your hair, your teeth, your strength, but not your looks.
Wife: Why?
Husband: Because we lose only what we have.
While dreaming, wife suddenly shouts, “Run, my husband is back.”
Man gets up and jumps out of the window and then says, “Damn! I am the husband”.
A husband said to his wife, I don’t hate your relatives.
In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than mine.
Marriage counselor: What’s the main reason for divorce?
Sam: Marriage!
Wife to husband: Honey, pack your bags. I won a lottery!
Wife: Should I pack beach stuff or mountain stuff?
Husband: Whatever, just get out.