Patient: I’m two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
Doctor: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

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Patient: Doctor, you got to help me. I’m under a lot of stress. I keep losing my temper with people.
Doctor: Tell me about your problem.
Patient: I just did, you fucking jackass!

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A man went to an eye specialist to get his eyes tested and asked,
Patient: Doctor, will I be able to read after wearing glasses?
Doctor: Yes.
Patient: Oh good! I have been illiterate for so long.

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